Andy Wenger is a card shark on the Minge-Snark Pretense Circuit. Many theologians believe that “Wenger” is the only correct answer to the question, “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?” Others believe that Andy is making this up, and that “Angel” is really a Puerto Rican fellow who is into eyeliner and mesh shirts. Andy has been friends with Damien for exactly two days and five hours less than Damien has been friends with Andy. No one ever told either of them any of this, which accounts for the unnecessarily aggressive nature of their relationship. Andy is Ham Pants Productions resident Director, and he Co-Wrote The Safe Way; Mr. Dingle, the Strong; and Random Idiot Factor with Damien. Once upon a time, Andy, Damien, and their friend Jason wrote and directed a play called The Old Ones, which is funny.
It can be seen right here:
Damien Chacona is a man of many tenets. He has been friends with Andy for enough years so that he doesn’t actually consider Andy his friend any longer.
Damien is also a voice actor and contributing writer for 915 Cayuga, an episodic, old-time, radio-style, comedic variety show and podcast that follows the fictional world of a group of San Franciscans who have worked on a radio variety show called “915 Cayuga” for the past seven years. It’s very meta.
Damien does several things besides the whole acting/theater rigmarole. He takes photographs, paints, and makes assemblage art, which he also paints. Some of the things he makes can be seen at chacona.com and in The Dark Room Theater Lobby. Damien designs many of the props and sets for Ham Pants Productions as well as the various posters and advertisements for their shows. Damien is not named after Damien from The Omen. Damien is named after Father Damien from The Exorcist. For true.
Monica Hernandez is like a sprite. She’s not a sugary, carbonated beverage of citrus delights; however, Monica is a pixie with iridescent wings of the party-planning variety. As you can see, she is either terrifying or super-duper cute. She will make you a ham sandwich of your choosing for a dollar. Long before the advent of Ham Pants Productions, Monica and Damien made short films. Two of them. Want to watch them? Sure you do.
Here they are:
Damien & Monica – Escapades!
Damien & Monica – Sangira
Carrina Maree is an enigma wrapped up in a thumbtack-pierced cellophane muffin hat stuffed with the Waldorf salad of Earthly delights. Seriously, it makes little to no sense at all. Carrina tap dances, and sings, and folds herself into knots for fun and profit. She also pets a cat and makes comic strips of an inane variety.
You can see all of them right here, at Comic Bean.
John Harrison is a professional slacker and showman with a penchant for playing music in dingy bars. Oftentimes (when he’s not busy putting coffee or Guinness in his mouth) he can be found on stage singing and playing ukulele with his lovely band Vagabondage.
The official first music video from their upcoming “Songs from the Bottom of an Empty Glass” album – directed by Steve Doll and starring the Bay Area’s finest drinkers and roustabouts!
Shot on location at Oakland’s Port View Park and Heinold’s First and Last Chance Saloon.
No trains or whiskey were harmed in the making of this video.
Justus Bends walks down hills immediately after he walks up them. You may not know Justus, but that’s okay, because he does not know you either. Justus has never gone to the bathroom. Justus doesn’t actually have any hair. He wants you to think he does, you pretty, reading-this-website lady, you!
Justus has talent. If you don’t believe him, don’t. But the proof is in the proverbial web-pudding of rap-tastic Mephistopheles.
Dan Foley does things with his face and voice that are like pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum, but set to music. Dan is brilliant, but not that overwhelming brilliance that makes you want to stab and rend, but that run-of-the-mill brilliance that makes you sit up and take notice while thinking, “With a couple years of practice, I could be that good!” But you can’t. You’re not Dan Foley. That position is filled, but we’ll keep your resume on file for the next six months and we’ll notify you if anything becomes available.
If you know what the hell Twitter is, you can follow Dan here.
Jason Hemmenway? Zombie-J. Zombie-J? Zombie-J! Zombie-J! Zombie-J, Zombie-J. Zombie-J! Zombie-J! Jason Hemmenway, Zombie-J? Zombie-J! Jason Hemmenway! Pay attention!
Zombie-J is a DJ in the tradition of the Dub-Step, taught to him by Shaolin Sherpas in the Steppes of Samarkand. If you will notice, Zombie-J is a very serious DJ. And his golf shirt is not amused.
You can check out Zombie-J’s music making capabilities and download some of his sets here.
Despite his criminal record and bizarre social idiosyncrasies, Bronson has become an integral part of Ham Pants Productions. Although originally recruited for his musical proficiencies and physical strength, he is now celebrated as a master of comedy. He rarely comes to rehearsal drunk and has never been violent to any of his fellow players. Bronson McKinley is a gentleman.
Bronson has been a part of various creative projects between time spent in state penitentiaries. One of our favorites has been his Captain Blackheart and the Scurvy Sea Dogs wherein he recreates the atmosphere of an old-time radio show about pirates on the Spanish Main. The following links point to some of the projects he has been involved in.
Captain Blackheart and the Scurvy Sea Dogs
Already in Hell
The Nanobots Destroy the Spaceport
the human under my kitchen sink
Matt "Lady Luck" Miller